Dreams and dark nights

Dark days cold nights
Fluttering hearts
Winds blowing souls apart
The dawn seems lost in waking dreams
No end in sight or so it seems

Thoughts on love and other things

In love ... One can be tolerant of a lot of things...
But one cannot be tolerant of the diminishing of oneself...

It catches up you see...

When you feel yourself being whittled away little by little

Something inside you speaks up ... A distant voice.. a cry for Survival... Primal in its essence ..

That is the key...

To holding on to yourself

Irrespective of anything you may endure

Instinct.

And the will to survive.

Free

Go on..... Break my heart... She said

he did... Smashed it into a million pieces

she sighed with relief.... Atlast...

She was free....

Life's defining moments

Life's defining moments

As I sit here in the cold and quiet, unlikely strangers turn into kindred spirits...

It's so quiet I can hear him cough and ponder his life ... As I sit here and wonder about my days to come.. the moon paints a pretty picture across the ocean... The streets hum with late night beings and the thrum of civilization

I am me ..whole yet broken ...sitting here in the midst of my failure and my thirst to  become my own saviour

Why is it the hardest falls that must teach us to be the best we can, why does it have to be darkest before the dawn.

I didn't think I had any hope left in me...all these thoughts of ending it all that drift in and out of me... You'd think I'd be happy to to just give and let life take its course ...am I truly a survivor? Or merely too stubborn

Do I revel then in  my transgression or am I simply seeking a more simplistic form of  end?

It's not an easy existence.. constantly looking over my proverbial shoulder... Wondering..managing... Biding my time..to what end?

I felt trapped my whole life...now even more so... And I fear the door I saw on the horizon is fast fading...perhaps it was always a mirage...a prison of my own making...

This happened today

He was an old man , my rickshaw Wala, a little lost and flustered
I joked about the heat and then he apologized and told me his mother had passed not 5 days ago. I mumbled a feeble condolence. Struck by his pain and strength I watched in silence as he wove through the streets, weeping silently. This is life, this is how it rolls

The question

Sometimes we wait for people to catch up because we are afraid if we keep going we will leave them behind

Thank you...

Thank you

For not believing in me...it taught me how to believe in myself

Thank you for letting me fall...It taught me how to pick myself up

Thank you for not hearing me call it taught me how to find my voice

Thank you for breaking my heart... It taught me how to piece myself together

Thank you for being who you are...It showed me how to be myself

Thank you for walking into my life...it taught me I don't have to stay 

Void

As we lay on the ground enmeshed as one
My ears searched for the words my soul was seeking,
Till I realized it wasn't his heart that was speaking.
A strange sense of his self I felt.
Aloof yet entwined with me.
Enduring in all its separateness.
But I felt him, like a blind hand through the dark.
I skimmed the surfaces, immersed myself in the depths, rejoiced .. engulfed.. and just as instantly floated.
Silent, unhinged. Alone.
What was this oneness I was met with ? yet still a dual state of being?
Aware of individual consciousness yet perceiving as one.
And so we stayed in our waking dreams,
Each pushing and pulling in life everlasting.

The Seedy thriller chronicles... abstract continuum

this is a work in progress...

 the cry terrified the girl right to the inner lining of her pancreas, with the juices of fear churning inside her, she flew through the barn; her left brain wonderring what beasts would seek her now.... and to think she'd just escaped the mad cow.... well fat aunt aggie always did say life is screwy and unfair! and here she was...a running example of it".....

"so she ran....ran till her toes bled...but the sound just followed her relentless ; hungry as a leech on its first leg. frantic thoughts blinked past her consciousness...escape ...escape...must find escape...is there a hatch open?..nope...'god help me.....' crap...she remembered...she was an atheist.

well its never too late she thought...'so how exactly might an atheist frame a first time prayer?might be best to throw in an apology or something...' its funny how easy it is to be distracted while running for your life, suddenly the barn began to shudder and shake....shrieking tremors reverberated against her eardrums..the wall next to her flew apart..and there he was! glimmering through the raining splinters!

so...where was i?....ahhh..." so there he was! her knight in shining bull dozer!..lazy eye pete!...good thing she chose to not run him over last week....but how did he know she'd need rescuing? never mind she thought , escape first ask questions later and threw herself towards her savior...but that wasnt the end of it....oh no...

AMBIVALENCE

Helplessly I watched her claw her way back into the little world I'd grown to call my own ....

It was foolish of me to think I could ever uproot her, I thought she'd fade like leaves do in the fall ... But it was a lie, the delusion of a weed you think you've killed that always finds its way back , ever so quietly and insidiously . Sinking its roots into everything you've begun to call your own.

I fought hard.... With love, with anger, plotted , swore vengeance....

Till one day .... I woke up... And .... Nothing.... I was tired....

Just so tired and spent ... And I stayed tired .....and then just like that ... Something inside me just died .

At first I wondered ... Is this the first of my heartbreak? Would it now crumble away bit by bit? I waited for the grief to hit me...

Nothing... And then I realized what had happened, its as If  a piece of my heart had just sealed it self shut, dead, forgotten, never to be touched again, the rest of me ? Lived on....

Day by day I began locking away my demons like you hide a bad memory,

no more voices in my head.... Each clamoring to be heard above the other... No more endless monologues of things I'd say .... Or should've said .... No more sudden stabbing pain.... And finally I'd purged them all.... The lies , the hurt, the defeat, the resignation. And I felt.... Relieved... Thankful to not care anymore.

But they sneak in sometimes.... Those demons, little whispering shadows that creep up through an unprotected crack or two  in the veneer of my soul ...

In those moments I die all over again, when things grow dark..... and I begin to drown in the mire of the things that have been, that never were or could be .... I fight though... So hard... To rise to the surface, to breath , to survive.

You see, I took the high road.... I let go... Just not too sure of what or how much.... Did I save enough for me?.... Of me? What was I saving for?

So now most days I live.... I exist ,  each day the sun rises and my reality folds in on me.... The night comes and with it my breath,

another day gone...  Success... The nightmares have stayed safely locked away, the darkness an illusion in the moonlight...  I turn over in my bed and wait for another sunrise... Another day... to just be...

making your life fit.... another look at picking up the pieces that fit and throwing out those that dont

Life… is a struggle..

 From the moment you push your way out into this world to the moment you take your last breath…

So what is it about this life that keeps us going?... we all want to live…we all want to do things…be someone…achieve milestones… yet sometimes , somehow…things just don’t seem to go the way we want them to…how do we keep from letting it get to us.. what do you do when all else has failed…the feelings of sadness and frustration don’t go away…you’re mired in despair and there don’t seem to be any windows left any more...

You just take a deep breath…. If that doesn’t help you take another one… then you calmly (if possible) take stock of the situation that you’re in… sometimes…when you just take a little distance from yourself… life seems a little different from what you thought it was…

My mother said..looking at your life out of context often helps. I never understood it till I actually did it.  I was forced to take a cold objective look at what was going on with me, and when I did…I was surprised at the number of things that were now so obviously wrong or out of sync that I just could not see before…simply because it was all too close to me. So take a step back…take a deep breath and take a long hard look at what’s going on around you and with you. Remove all emotions that linger…attachments that hold you down…only then can you set yourself free.

Freedom of course is another extremely subjective term… what do we mean when we say we want to be free… do we want freedom of choice? Freedom to do as we will; to be free of repercussions …responsibility… or all of the above?

I’ve learnt it’s not exactly that…to me freedom means to not let fear hold you down…fear of reprisal….failure… not fitting in… and that only comes when you finally own who you are…when you are absolutely clear about what it is that you want to do…with yourself…your life… what your bottom line is…

So how do we define our bottom-line?....

Take a look at your life…the things you do…would like to do… the people in your life… and make a list of the deal breakers for them… a list of what you absolutely will not accept in your profession or standing as a professional…a list of what you will not accept in your personal life… how you want to be treated… behaviour, acts , opinions and your moral standing on things and issues… the kind of people you want in your life… a base denominator that you know represents the bare minimum you want for yourself… if that bottom-line goes out… then it’s time to walk away. If the base denominator or bottom-line is not being met at the very least in any situation in your life…it probably means that you’re in the wrong situation , place of work or relationship and all your work is being dedicated to an uncertain future. One that is probably not best for you.

Make that list and review it…be very sure of all that you have put down…once you’ve done that…go out and live that life… begin by being the person to yourself  that you want others to be to you... pick out the pieces that just dont fit and dust them out of your life..

.

It’s about getting the right cycle of life kick-started… for example… I hate getting cut off or having people skip the traffic light when it’s my turn… so I quietly sit at the signal till it turns green…even if I have a horde of impatient irate drivers honking away behind me just because the road looks empty. This way not only do I end up shaming some others into waiting their turn but also get the satisfaction of knowing I did something that I thought and know to be right. It’s a small example I know…but its these little things that add up to the bigger picture…

Don’t like to be out of place in a social setting?…reach out to that lonely guest the next time you’re at a party… don’t like rude people?...think twice before you snap at house help or service staff anywhere… it’s as simple as that… slowly and surely every little aspect of your life will begin to adhere itself to the way you want to shape it…soon you’ll be able to wake up for that morning walk that you were just too tired for…you’ll manage that film you wanted to catch and you’ll meet that deadline that seemed unfair… it’s because…bit by bit…everything in your life… from little acts to how you view the world and how it looks back at you is changing….armed with the confidence of knowing who you are and what you are made of…move forward knowing YOU have taken control of things… now I’m not saying that unforeseen events or sudden emergencies can’t throw lives out of gear… they can and they will….but knowing that you have and will have a grip on things is what will help you get back up on that proverbial horse.

The problem is that we all lead lives in excess of what they’re meant to be… trying to pack in more than the daily quota so there’s always a shortage… of time…patience… peace…breathing space.

  Failures happen…hearts break…the world is a harsh place to be in sometime… There’s nothing wrong with grieving over a loss or being angry at something… by all means…cry your heart out…curse the cause of your pain or discomfort….and when you’re done venting… Just take a step back and breath… size up the broken misaligned pieces and start putting them back together…. One piece at a time…one day at a time…and watch your every being align itself into place…the place where you want it to be …the place that makes you whole…