ME

 This is me 

A walking dichotomy

Light and dark

A mismatched union

Mosaic

Me

DREAM

 

 

I had a dream… I had a dream about a crazy homeless man…a dirty crazy homeless man and I think it was in my apartment. He was hurt, he had a bandaged head and arm and trying to tell me he wasn’t always like this. He had a diary with scribbles and pictures. Turns out for a little while in his life he was kinda famous, almost someone of consequence, at least as the world saw it. I tried to peek at his diary, I tried to look at the things he’d written. I could see the scrawling on the paper but I couldn’t make out the words. He was a dirty crazy homeless man, and he was in my apartment…I think.

 He caught me looking so I scrambled to flip to the pages with pictures. At first, I thought they were actual photographs like in a photo album, but when I looked closer, I realized they were paper clippings that had been cut out and stuck on. Random pictures of him posing for shots, doing things. It was a scrapbook of his life.  For a little while he reminisced, he told me how he used to be someone …someone of consequence…his words stuck with me…he used to be someone of consequence, he mattered, at least for a little while. People knew he existed, and he was real. Now he was a dirty crazy homeless man. He kept talking… I kept looking at his diary…tracing the edges of the paper clippings that he had stuck on to the pages of his diary. The pages were hard and crinkly, like how paper gets when it’s been wet and then dried. I wondered how this diary had survived with this dirty crazy homeless man.

Something flashed, I looked up. The dirty crazy homeless man was standing by the window with his arms wide open staring at me. He had a halo that was blinking in and out. I realized he had pulled down a light bulb that was still attached to its wires and he was using it as a halo. He waved about, opening and shutting his mouth each time the light blinked in and out. Like a lighthouse in the rain. I noticed it was raining outside.  I hoped he wouldn’t get electrocuted; I didn’t want to have to call someone for help. Then I would have to explain why there was a dirty crazy homeless man in my apartment. I didn’t want to have to explain.

 He must have seen it on my face, he got embarrassed and started freaking out. I was scared and he was freaking out. He knew he was a dirty crazy homeless man in my apartment. That he was freaking out and I was scared. That it was not ok, he was not ok, nothing was ok. So, I told him what I had been doing. I told him its ok, I’m on vacation so it doesn’t matter. I told him how I hadn’t slept in 4 days, how I was broke and anxious and freaking out too. So I had told myself I could have a few days off. I told myself I could give myself a break. I could go on a bender if I wanted. Just for a day or two, just a little vacation from reality. So its ok that he’s a dirty crazy homeless man in my apartment and its ok if I’m tired and hungry and scared. He stopped and looked at me, then he pulled out a foil wrapped roll from his raggedy jacket and gave it to me. I think it was an old burrito. He sat down and looked at his diary. He flipped through the pages, I looked at the burrito. I didn’t want to eat the dirty old burrito, but I didn’t want to hurt his feelings, so I looked for a place to put it down… you know, for later. I sat down next to the dirty crazy homeless man. I was tired and hungry and scared and he was freaked out. He told me he used to be someone of consequence and I told him I was scared.

 

MONSTER

 

An odd coexistence this is …

Symbiotic?... Parasitic..? ..maybe both…

The instinct to break free is ever present …a stubborn little light that refuses to go out ..

Everyday I crawl out a little further .. careful ..furtive .. inching forward… For the most part the monster stays quiet .. as long as I let him believe he’s won and I am his .. maybe not in entirety.. not anymore … For I shall carry his poison in me forever .. so he lets me be … Even loosens his grip from time to time … Letting me stretch but keeping me beyond my perception of freedom.

It’s been quiet for a long while now …long enough to lull me into a sense of complacency… Fooling me into thinking maybe …just maybe I’m almost out… Maybe he’s tired of me.. maybe he’s taken all he can …and I can be set aside for newer tastier prey…

I don’t trust it…the silence…it makes me uneasy … But…maybe…this time..? I can walk away..?  I turn and shine my light on him.. ever so slightly ..poke him a little .. watching… nothing.. so I start to move away… Holding my breath…waiting to exhale.. that’s when he strikes … always when I’m at the edge…digging into me as a reminder of what my reality is… tightening his grip till my breath chokes

There you are monster … I knew it wasn’t over yet… , he retreats satisfied of my compliance and I am left alone , breathing again…I feel his poison wash through  me , almost  comforting in its familiarity … Darkness comes and I fall asleep , dreaming of another day … another inch …

ADRIFT

 

Drifting… dreaming…

In an endless sleep

The delicious warmth

The Myriad dreams

I am awake

But I yearn to sleep

And so I float and fly

SECRETS

 

 

Smokey rooms,

Strangers greet

Lustful desires, make two hearts meet

Probing eyes seeking my soul

Searching within  for secrets untold ….

BABBLE

 

Broken chipped a little ripped

Walk run jump and then I tripped

 

Scraped knee dented heart

I can’t seem to tell them apart

 

Rain and snow  lots of sun

Days on end where’s the fun

 

Storms and winds I fly away

Where’s my rope to make me stay

 

Puddle pool or just a drop

Fall, bump, roll to a stop

 

Bruised battered achy breaky

Totter dawdle things are shaky

 

Swirling whirling manic mind

Must watch out they sneak up from behind

 

Breather rest sit relax

This tether’s been pushed to the max

 

Gather pick make it whole

All I've got is band aids on my soul.

Dances with demons ...

Come my waiting demon
It is time to dance
The songs beat to a distant drum
And now I take my chance

Forever you hid in the shadows
Stealing my light my soul
Atlast we come together
Walking in step to make me whole

Hand in hand we March
Beside each other we stay
Together apart forever bonded
Entwined like night and day

Take a bow now
Step off the stage
The curtain calls though you remain
A clinging shadow each day I age

But no more a lasting figure
But a simple scar
Reminders of life everlasting
You see you won the battles but I won the war ...

Parting thoughts...a work in progress...

I stared and poured over things he'd shared
And wondered at those he hadn't
I screamed and shouted in silence and ached as my heart burned
For I knew a part of me wanted this
Needed this nightmare to be true
I knew I needed to be severed ..
frompo partsf me I knew to be true...
I had to suffer in silence.. to allow the pain to set me free
To bring forth a truth for all
Only I knew I could see
For I knew he wasn't truly ever mine
And that he only wished it so
So through his hurt and mine
I had to find a way to let us go
So I die inside each day a little
Just so we can both live tomorrow
And hope he will find his joy
As he finds his way through my sorrow
 I watch with bleak abandon
As they sail away in the sunset
Two wholes that now since parted
I see Atleast he finds his one
So now I watch and sigh
And hope my peace is on nigh
The freedom I so once wanted
I just hope the price wasn't too high 

You..my thoughts and I...

The realization that you have no one can be bleak and liberating all at once...
You see... when you're faced with the hard truth that there is no one but you..
What it eventually boils down to....
 is whether the you that's you is good enough for you ...

.........

Drifting... dreaming...
In an endless sleep
The delicious warmth
The Myriad dreams
I am awake
But I yearn to sleep
And so I float and fly

...........



I was me yesterday
But what am I today
That's what tomorrow will bring


..........

Odes to Halloween 2

Midnight's callings
Ever so sweet
Hushed minds rush past
They didn't see the beast

Lurking waiting
Patient and still
Lasting ever lasting
Waiting for the kill

Many a wayward walked this way
Many a foostsep walked right past
Those that stopped and listened
Were ones who stood there last

Grim and dreary
Dark and damp
No one knew
All they needed was a lamp

The shadows lurk where the light ends
Secrets lie in unopened doors
The trick my friend you fail to see
Is to choose the road where reality bends

Odes to Halloween 1

A lonely unhinged soul
Wanders the quiet streets
Seeking a spirit kindred
Wisps of known demons waft past it
Each leaving a residue of its individual dread

The moonlight struggles and fights to find its path
The clouds seem bleak and determined
The wind dies on its last song
The nights mulls its wrath

The noises drown the silence
The quiet an unknown beast
The monsters dance to unheard songs
The angels are dead at least

And in this night of nights
Each spirit may rise and turn
Where one might seek those looming heights
Where the fated may crash and burn

Soon the song rises from each corner darkened
Luring and reaching
And the soul finds a tide
On the rivers theyve been preaching

Rise and fall
Ebb and flow
Into the everlasting night
They must all go

Goodnight dear spirit
O lost dear soul of mine
Go find your tune to dance on
Go live the truth divine